28 September 2024

‘Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me… Shew me thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.’ Psalm 25: 1-2,4-5

Nothing is simple in this business. I should have known that… If surgeons are like car mechanics (‘We’ll just whip this part out, fix this, pop in a new one of these then put it all back together’), then oncologists are like mathematicians (‘I don’t care what the sum is- if the numbers don’t add up then forget it…’).

We thought that the focus of discussion with SuperProf this week would be setting a date for surgery according to the required chemo break, with the only thing up for debate being the issue of the bowel tumour: to remove or not to remove.

Not quite so. SP was not concerned with the details of surgery at this point, but rather whether it will even be feasible or sensible to go ahead. Whereas JM casually described it as a ‘no-brainer’, he was talking about in an ideal world, one in which I was stable enough to actually go under the knife. In order to find this out, SP has agreed to stop the Avastin from next Tuesday’s chemo onwards, with a view to ‘seeing how the tumour markers behave’ without it. If they co-operate, then I could possibly have surgery in around 7 weeks’ time. If they don’t, well, no swanky London mini-break for me. It’s time for a little chat with the crew…

‘Ok guys, listen up. Yes, even you, Ms Ovarian Tumour Twins… I know you’ve heard that Uncle Avastin will be out of town for a while, but that’s no reason to plan a party. Irene, Oxi and 5FU will still be patrolling your borders so NO FUNNY BUSINESS. Thank you.’

I do hope they listened…

So we potentially have a long stretch of yet more limbo ahead. But to see it like this is not feasible and definitely not bearable. We cannot hold out for something that we think we want to happen, only to be disappointed. Whatever path is ours will be the right one: we need to trust in each step and find the joy. Starting with today, and THIS:

Yes, we are back in Cloud 9 this weekend and there is nowhere I’d rather be, particularly given the beautiful weather after the week of Biblical rain we have all endured…

Rain aside, it has been a difficult week. I have felt unwell for most of it: these are usually my good days so I’ve felt just a little cheated. Terrible headaches, tummy troubles, painful dry eyes, a sore on my gum and tightness all over my chest have all plagued me, and some of them have tagged along for a weekend by the sea. I would love to know whether the woes are due to some kind of virus or if SuperChemo is finally getting the better of me: I’m going to plump for the first option as so many people seem to be unwell this week with the typical back-to-school change-in-the-weather lurgy…

However, there is always sunshine amongst the rain, and despite how I’ve been feeling there have been some wonderful moments this week. Lydia and Jasper came to stay as Connor was working away, so the house turned into a toddler zone covered in toys and we had the pleasure of Jasper’s constant hilarous chatter as well as lovely bedtime cuddles. Not to mention some very special muscial times:

Monday saw not only a lovely hot-tub-based post-summer catch up with Marvellous Monday Judy, but also a brunch with the Shine Night Walk team, who hobbled in nursing the war wounds from their quite literally marathon effort (to be fair some of the injuries were created by the purple leg warmers rather than the walking, for which I felt honoured and a little bit guilty…).

The girls smashed it, completing the 26.2 miles in 7 hrs 46 minutes, staying dry until the very last leg, when they got totally drenched but at least the end was in sight.

They also smashed the fundraising, getting a shout out for being the biggest fundraiser in their wave. Thank you SO much to all who donated, the total was staggering:

SuperProf was 20 minutes late for my consultation on Thursday evening: totally unlike him as he usually operates to the second… He was profusely apologetic and explained that he had been chairing an important meeting with Cancer Research UK. That really hit me: this is real, folks… your money is genuinely making things happen.

I will leave you there and wish you a wonderful weekend with hopefully a lot of sun…

‘Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith.’ Hebrews 12:1-2