20 September 2024

‘And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.’ 2 Corinthians 1:6

‘You look so well!’ I am told at least twice a day- please don’t stop saying it, it makes me happy, and in a way it is true.  I do look well.  No matter that my apparently healthy glow is a radioactive one entirely derived from drugs: I feel great! But I’m not great inside by any means, and that’s what makes it so weird…I’m pretty sure that I am the one of the  most well unwell people you could meet.

Will how strong and well I am stand in my favour with Jamie Murphy? I find myself wondering.  We are on the early commuter train right now headed into town, and I feel rather like Dorothy going to see the Wizard of Oz to beg for my heart’s desire.  Except there will be no begging.., we have been told what to expect and it will be a bonus if there is anything at all he can offer me. 

I think it’s really important in a blog like this to show every reality, the downs as much as the ups.  Cancer is real and it’s HARD.  Last Sunday evening I hit what was probably my first truly awful brick wall.  Which is quite good going given that I’ve been in this horrid game for nearly a year… but I really truly broke down.  I’d just had enough: enough appointments, enough scans, enough blood tests, enough treatment, enough time stolen, enough injections, enough drugs, enough oils, vitamins, supplements, mushrooms, oxygen, the lot.  I felt like this:

I have not been angry about having cancer at any point, as I know it is all in God’s perfect will for my own eternal good: I am in no doubt about that.  But sometimes I forget to look up and that’s when human feelings take over: and these can reach great depths of sadness, frustration and emotional pain.  Thankfully Steve and I rarely struggle at the same time: we are almost always able to lift each other and point each other to Christ. One very memorable and striking time not too long ago, however, we both found ourselves overcome with sad and distressing thoughts simultaneously.  We were keeping them from each other, and then suddenly we couldn’t any more and all was very dark.  After a while sat languishing in our sorrow and not feeling able to help each other, we had no choice but to carry on.  For some reason or other I  happened to check my email.  

There, at the very top of the inbox, was the daily Bible reading and commentary by William Mason that Steve and I subscribe to.  Mason lived in the 18th century but his writing is as relevant today as 300 years ago.  That day’s reading instantly knocked us for six: 

‘And he said unto them, why are ye troubled? And why do thoughts arise in your hearts?’ (Luke 24:38).  

We were staggered.  It was Christ talking directly to us.  This was no superstition, no co-incidence, no fanciful imagining. It was real.  We even laughed.  It was as if we were being told: ‘Come on now, you two…’

We read on.  Every word was for us, every word comforting and uplifting.  We were bowled over again and again as we read:

‘Up then with faith, and down with fears: away with all thoughts that trouble our hearts. Look from within: look up. Jesus is before the throne for us. “In the multitude of my thoughts within me, thy comforts delight my soul.” “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me.”‘ Ps.94:19, 138:7. 

The reading the day before, although wonderful, would not have been so perfectly fitting, nor the one the day after, or the day after that. As believers in Christ we are given exactly what we need when we need it- not material things, but spiritual food and comfort. Most people will not understand this.  They are happy to say something like: ‘I’m glad you have your faith’- meaning ‘That’s nice for you if it makes you feel better’.  Not so.  Firstly, it isn’t my faith, it isn’t from me.  It is the faith of Christ, who is ever strong whilst I am weak, and it is the gift of God.  It is a free gift, available to anyone who casts themselves on him: ‘…him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out…And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day’ (John 6:37/40).  If I can do anything worthwhile in this blog, I can declare this.  

I feel a musical interlude is appropriate at this point.. I’m so glad that lots of you enjoyed our flute and piano piece; very happy to report that my wonderful secondary school music teacher Karen emailed me to award me A+++ for composition and performance 😁, which definitely made my day.  And one of my lovely teenage piano pupils has been inspired to pick up her flute again after hearing the piece, which is just brilliant.

So on to my second GCSE piece, a set of variations on an orignal theme.  It’s a piano piece this time: solo performance has not generally been part of my career, my path instead focusing on teaching and accompanying, so recording this was not a natural or entirely comfortable thing for me to do.  Of course making a video is even harder than live performance and I now know exactly how my pupils feel when taking their video exams; being able to record it many times aiming for perfection isn’t always a good thing and the stress and pressure tends to increase with the number of takes…  So I was pleased to manage a reasonable account quite quickly, and decided to stick with that.  My numb fingers struggled in the faster bits but I think the spirit was captured…

Presenting: From Time to Time, a theme and variations by Samantha Maltby aged 15 1/2, October 1989.  Listen carefully as there will be a mini-competition quiz at the end…(2 videos again due to file size…)

I hope you enjoyed the foray into my 15-year-old world…now it’s competition time!  One of the questions is more for the musos out there (and there are lots of you, I know who you are 🥹) but do have a stab at them all anyway, I’d love to hear your answers.  If you’re not into leaving comments on the blog, you can always WhatsApp me or email on [email protected].  My last competition had just one entry 😳 so I’d love to see them flooding in this time…  here we go:

1.  Which 3 composers heavily influenced my piece?
2. Which variation do you think is my favourite: 1, 2, 3 or 4? (The opening section doesn’t count as that’s the theme)
3. What percentage mark did Karen award me for the piece?  Will she herself remember, I wonder?!!!

So, back to London and yet another new clinic, the Cleveland in Portland Place.  No points for live cello music or posh coffee machines here, but this was more than compensated for by meeting the wonderful Jamie Murphy, who fulfilled all of our expectations and more.  On top of everything else, he was a really lovely guy, and we were instantly reassured that he was one of those special medics, like SuperProf, who has Got Our Back. 

As we had hoped, JM talked us through my latest CT scan and we were even brave enough to look at the images on the screen. His own team of radiographers had been through it in minute detail (London has trumped Harpenden again, surprise surprise) and so things were much more specific.  We discovered that the ovarian mass is actually two Krukenberg tumours (a badass kind) joined in an unhappy marriage over both ovaries, and there is still some peritoneal disease but just a small amount which can be easily whipped out when he evicts the ovaries.  Yes, blood and guts here we come- he said it was a ‘no-brainer’ to at least slay the ovarian beast and he will consider assigning the same fate to Mr Bowel Tumour as well if SuperProf doesn’t think that would be one step too far.  No neat keyhole laparoscopic surgery for me- it will be a good old-fashioned Samurai sword job and a few hundred stitches.  I am delighted at the propsect, and completely mean it.  When you are told that you are not likely to ever become operable this is Big. 

In even more surprising news, we discovered that I only have 2 liver tumours (down from 5, and definitely down from ‘quite a lot’) and so my liver is potentially resectable, which is basically the holy grail for a Stage 4 bowel patient… But there’s a drawback… They can’t just help themselves to a nice slice of my liver and give it a good season before frying it up with onions, because the recovery from this would mean way too long off chemo and in that time the 12 pesky little lung nodules (these have now been numbered) could grow like Gremlins fed after midnight and stage a full-on alien invasion inside me…apparently… but this has really got us thinking about the possibilities. But one thing at a time.  We are so happy to have JM on side and feel assured that he will do anything he can to help me, both now and in the future. 

I will need to be off the Avastin for 6 weeks before the op- it’s the supportive immunotherapy drug that many people aren’t fortunate enough to receive anyway, ao hopefully that won’t cause too many problems – and then need to recover quickly after the surgery in order to go back onto the hard drugs as soon as possible.  Say no more, SuperSurgeon, I shall recover faster than a coyote chasing a Road Runner…

Training begins today… I’ve already done a 5k walk in London to the clinic and back, so just some exercises and weights to go.  Plus a lot of cleaning and tidying at home.  Small matter of feeling that I’m descending rapidly into chemo crash, but ho hum…

Anyway, if exercise will be challenging for me right now it will not compare to what my friends are about to put themselves through in support of me, others with cancer, and most importantly Cancer Research UK. Yes, it’s the weekend of the London Shine Night Walk, a full marathon taking place through the night, which is a mammoth feat in itself but has taken on a new even more challenging turn with the latest weather forecast: severe storms all night with possible damage to buildings… 

Team, stay safe, I salute you and will be with you in spirit every step of the way. Can’t wait to see the photos.

“Unto you that fear my name, shall the Sun of Righteousness arise with healing in his wings.” Mal. 4:2.