6 February 2024

‘Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee’ Psalm 55:22

So I’m in the company of King Charles: I wonder if he wants any tips? Might send him some Spirulina; I hear he likes green things…

Cancer is an undeniable fact of life, and the King’s diagnosis, whatever it is, reminds us of that. It will affect us all in some way at some point. My kind is not so common: the stats say that 1 in 300,000 women under 50 are diagnosed with bowel cancer. Let’s multiply this to make it 100 in 3 million. Out of that 100, many will have a reasonably friendly diagnosis of early- or mid-stage cancer, so let’s say there may be 10 people given news like mine. That bring us to 10 in 3 million. Shame I’ve never played the lottery… There was so little chance of this happening, however, that it is clearly not chance! Or ‘bad luck’. We fully believe God has sent this for a reason- and a good and perfect one. I may have quoted this before, who knows- certainly not my chemo/menopausal brain- but even if so it deserves to be said again:

“If I had God’s power, I would change everything. If I had His wisdom, I would change nothing.” (Scott Richardson)

That doesn’t mean it is easy of course. I haven’t blogged for a while as the rollercoaster has somehow gone into turbo. Yesterday was a Very Sad Day. I’m not even sure why, but I think it was a combination of chemo crash with a ramping up of the pelvic pain that had been niggling for a good few days. Which of course inevitably leads to the worry of wondering why. However, I had planned a little garden hot tub treat for Marvellous Monday Judy and I for something different to do, and hopefully I would manage a little walk beforehand. I could do it.

Or not.. Instead, I found myself sat at the piano in pain, determined to compose but failing entirely and instead sobbing into the phone to Judy. Walk and hot tub were unthinkable.

‘Would you like me to come round just for a little?’ soothed Judy. ‘No’, my mind screamed, but ‘Yes, please’ I answered, and it was of course the right thing. Judy turned up with flowers (purple), chocolate (dark) and a big hug. Chatting was not always easy but it was lovely. We even had some good belly laughs: I was telling Judy about my new composition project- I’m entering a competition to write a new setting of an Isaac Watts hymn for his 350th anniversary- and she asked when the deadline was. ‘Ah,’ she said, ‘Do you think you can finish it before you-‘

‘That’s what bothers me,’ I interrupted, ‘Not finishing a piece of music, like Mozart’s Requiem or Schubert’s symphony.’ (Safe to say that the thought of someone else attempting to complete your music by GUESSING what you intended is pretty horrific to a composer.)

‘No, you idiot!’ cried Judy- or something to that effect-‘ I meant before you go skiing!!!’

Ha! Well that was ok then. Skiing though? What sorcery is this? Fear not, I shall not be chucking myself down a mountain in March, but I very much hope to make it to France with fab family and friends for some all-day-apres-ski in our favourite Alpine village, Val Cenis.

The rest of the day was equally emotional and Steve the Rock definitely earnt his Vegan dinner… but we did make it into the hot tub in the evening which was lovely. And after a lot of talking, crying and praying the day ended in a calmer way.

Today, however, saw the absolute wonder of those prayers being answered. Steve was hoping to go into London for a work do but this was conditional on me being physically and mentally ok. I was more than that however, waking after a great sleep to find that the pain had disappeared for the first time in a whole week! It was no problem to get up, showered and take Isaac to school: I was home by 8.10 and batch cooking minutes after: 14 weeks’ worth of hidden-veg meatballs for Isaac are now neatly stashed in the freezer.

The rest of the day brought further joys: I watched little Jasper’s swimming lesson and he seemed so happy to have his Mimi there (that’s my attempt at a hip and cool ‘I’m not an old Granny’ name).

Back at home, a lot of singing and piano playing led to me completing verse 3 of my hymn and being really happy with it (a good job no-one was home today, as there was a lot of repetitious caterwauling across the house). My lovely teenage piano pupil then arrived and we had the best lesson, bringing him close to being ready for the Grade 4 exam which we had to abandon all notion of last term when I had to stop teaching. Pupil, Mum and myself were more than delighted.

A quick hop in the car to collect Isaac and take him to his flute lesson. More wonderful music: Isaac was totally fired up and played incredibly for 45 minutes; it was such a pleasure to sit and listen to Handel, Godard, Bizet and more. Another lovely teenage pupil after dinner plus a frenzy of tidying and hoovering before putting Isaac to bed and a bit more composing. I was going to go to bed with a book whilst waiting for Steve to come back but decided to write just a few sentences of the blog… and a few more.. it is midnight now and I am in danger of turning into a pumpkin at any moment…

Why am I writing down every detail of my amazing day? Because there will be another Difficult Day, maybe very soon, and I need to be able to look back at the these times and take comfort and hope.

We are not resting on our laurels, currently shortlisting candidates for the change of consultant that we have decided to pursue, but we are certainly resting in God and very much feel a huge sense of peace and joy.

‘Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:7.