1 January 2024

Thou crownest the year with thy goodness; and thy paths drop fatness’.

Psalm 65:11

And a happy New Year to you all, my cherished reader friends! (UK residents can insert Miranda voice here). I hope that the festive season has been wonderful and magical for you.

Christmas for us was a tale of two halves, and not just geographically.

Chemo crash is bad enough in normal circumstances but at the start of the Christmas hols in Dorset it was particularly hard as it emphasised just how much I couldn’t do. I’m not sure who was more upset, me or Steve, when I had to stay on the sofa instead of taking Isaac climbing and caving at Bournemouth Pier. And watching everyone ice skating from the sidelines whilst sentimental Christmas music played and the lights of Bournemouth twinkled rather too prettily was very tough, particularly since I struggled to even walk the short distance from the car to the ice rink.

But that evening, Wednesday 20th, was our big Jellett get-together: 19 of us crammed into our seaside apartment celebrating Christmas plus my mother-in-law Christine’s birthday. Wobbly as I was, I donned my sparkly dress and heels and slowly began to feel human again, tucking into my first tastes of non-green food as if I hadn’t eaten for months, which wasn’t actually that far from the truth. I totally believe in the diet but was so ready for a few little bits of food from my old life, having taken the decision to eat ‘normal’ food on special occasions over the festive season. I so needed to put on some weight (said no woman ever at Christmas) and decided that the mental and psychological benefits of eating a few treats would outweigh anything else.

From the next day I sprang back to life quite literally, and was overjoyed to attend Isaac’s very special Christmas concert in Poole. Isaac is a keen musician, playing the flute to Grade 8 level at just 10 years old. A year ago he was welcomed into the warm and amazing musical family which is the Poole Society for Young Musicians, as we spend much of our time in Dorset and were fully planning to relocate there in September 2024 (we have put this on hold for now: devastating on a human level but we are totally accepting of God’s will and have been taught and humbled by His clear leading).

This year, Isaac was given the incredible opportunity to play a solo accompanied by orchestra. I was worried about whether I would cope emotionally with watching this, a reminder of all of the things in the future that I might not get to see him do. However, when it came to it I was captivated by the music and our little boy’s happy face as he confidently entered the room as soloist and proceeded to play beautifully and serenely, clearly enjoying every minute of it. Smiles all round (well, a few tears were shed at ‘O Holy Night’ later in the programme, but that one always gets me anyway.)

The next day, my Bambi legs suddenly disappeared and not only did I manage to climb Hengistbury Head (one of my favourite beauty spots with a 360 degree view from the Isle of Wight to the Purbecks and inland to Christchurch) but then proceeded to complete a 4K walk. Yes, 4k! At completely normal pace with the occasional happy little hop and even jog just to see what I could do. Given that for nearly two months I couldn’t even get out of bed or up from the sofa unaided, you can imagine how that felt.

When we drove back to Hertfordshire the next day, 23rd, I felt energised and motivated, spending hours unpacking and getting ready for Christmas Eve. We don’t usually do anything in particular on Christmas Eve but this year I wanted to plan things that would keep us busy and be lots of fun, to avoid sitting around and potentially feeling emotional. So off to TGI Friday’s we went for a delicious lunch and no clearing up (and a vow to reward myself in another few months with a repeat of the Chicken Platter) then it was back home for a Yule Log Bake Off- cue much competitiveness and laughter. Then my favourite part of Christmas Eve, Carols from King’s- not for the religious side as we don’t believe in high church pomp and circumstance- but for the music, Isaac and I belting out the descants and Isaac confirming what the highest note of each was with his freaky perfect pitch.

Talking about perfect, Christmas Day is seldom that but this one really was. A wonderful mixture of fun, relaxation and enjoying the company of our four children and lovely extras: fiance Connor, boyfriend Dan and cute-as-a-button toddler grandson Jasper, as well as a fantastic evening of games with Dan’s parents. There was no food prep stress at any point: it was pure pleasure to spend much of the morning cooking because not so long ago I couldn’t even boil a pan of water. And the food… the food… need I say any more… hopefully it successfully kicked off Operation Get My Butt Back (don’t underestimate the discomfort of having no padding on your tail bone).

On Boxing Day I was feeling great and enjoyed another long walk, this time in the Knebworth House estate where we were fortunate enough to witness the huge herd of deer running across the expansive landscape. Of course the danger of feeling normal is that you question whether anything is really wrong with you at all, but I decided just to embrace it and make the most of every second.

Anyway, all too soon would come the return of the appointments- a pre-chemo blood test on 29th but a very different one the day before: a video consultation with the director of the Care Oncology Clinc in Harley Street. I applied to become a patient as soon as I heard about this place, which basically takes the same all-round approach as us to support conventional treatment, but with actual knowledge and expertise as opposed to our Googling and guesswork. However, I was initially rejected on the basis of my high liver readings- it did sting that I wasn’t even well enough to be taken on by a cancer clinic… But with each subsequent blood test the liver readings improved and one has even reached normal levels (we are convinced that this is a result of everything we are doing), resulting in my being accepted just before Christmas.

Enter yet another doctor. I’m going to call him Doc Brains as he has a Cambridge degree and has published papers on the subject of unconventional support of conventional treatment, focusing on the prescribing of repurposed drugs (drugs for other conditions which may also be beneficial to cancer patients). I hope that he will be impressed rather than horrified that we have done a bit of that on the DIY front; I have been taking a drug called Febendezole which is licensed as a dog worming medication. Yup, you heard right. Believe it or not, early trials have shown that Febendezole inhibits cancer cell growth and causes cancer cell death. Bring on the worming! Do we think we know more than the doctors? No, but we do know that they are bound by their textbook training and inability to recommend anything other than the standard treatment that has been through the required amount of trials (and which will make enough money for the Pharmaceutical industry, but that’s another story..)

We could have nipped down to Pets at Home and grabbed some Febendezole off the shelves, but firstly it wouldn’t have been particularly palatable and secondly there were lots of unwelcome added ingredients, so Steve found a place in some corner of the world that sells it in its purest form, and he pops a carefully measured dose into my morning smoothie. Hmm, I don’t think I’ve told my mother this yet. Mum- it’s ok, it is legally available and safe for human consumption- plus as an added bonus I’m guaranteed to be worm-free…

Anyway, to the appointment- an hour-long video consultation with Doc Brains, who was just wonderful: warm, positive and honest. He was quite clear about the fact that what they are doing at the COC has not gone through large scale trials, but that all the evidence so far is overwhelmingly convincing and could point to the future of cancer treatment. I have been prescribed four drugs: two usually taken for diabetes, some form of antibiotic and another worming medication. Woo hoo! So naturally Doc Brains had no issues with me taking Febendezole: in fact he was suitably impressed by our research and gung-ho approach, as well as my general wellness. He said that evidence seems to suggest that a plant-based diet is best (good), but that occasional white meat and fish are fine (yay) and that Keto is not ideal due to the amount of animal products required (we had already concluded the same, discovering that you can’t do both both vegan and keto unless you actually want to starve). I have also been prescribed a generous dose of exercise and positivity- say no more, Brains, I’m off to do my ski squats…

Such postive things were tempered slightly with me feeling not quite so great on New Year’s Eve- Bertha has been so good at keeping quiet recently but decided to let me know that she didn’t want to be entirely left behind in 2023 by swelling a little and giving me a few aches and pains. Nothing drastic, but enough to be a reminder of things… The best distraction? An awesome NYE party with fab family.

No matter that I crashed in bed around 10 and was woken to see the New Year in. Emotional of course as 2024 holds so many unknowns for us, but then surely that is so for everyone. We are so thankful that we have a God for whom nothing is uncertain and who will direct our paths in goodness and wisdom.

‘For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.’

Jeremiah 29:11