4 March 2023

‘These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.’ John 16:33

I had a bizarre dream the other day: in the dream I had advanced cancer and things weren’t going so well, but we were happy to be off to Birmingham for the weekend so that Isaac could play in the National Children’s Orchestra. The dream took a strange turn when the hotel staff informed us that we would be staying in the ‘Krug’ room, so named because when Pavarotti stayed in it he went a little crazy with the room service, ordering copious bottles of Krug champage. The dream then went from the sublime to the ridiculous: some guy at the spa told Steve that he was part of Rick Astley’s entourage and that the legend himself was staying at the hotel. Steve then happened to cross paths with Rick at the bar as the Eighties megastar made his way to a late breakfast. Isaac was devastated to hear that he had missed the chance to see one of his top celebrity idols- yes, Rick, the former pin-up of many teenagers who are now very much middle-aged, is currently very popular with the youngest generation, who ‘Rick roll’ their friends as a prank, surprising them by blasting ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ at random moments. Steve was too embarrassed to ask the hotel staff if Isaac could meet Rick, but my terminal diagnosis meant I didn’t care at all and marched Isaac down to the restaurant, Steve skulking ten paces behind and hiding in the shadows. I explained to the waiter that Isaac is a big fan and could he possibly say hello to Rick? A quick check with the man himself and Isaac and I were shown in to a private area of the restaurant, where Rick and his gang sat enjoying their breakfast before taking the tour bus to their next gig in Manchester. Rick was as lovely as could be and was delighted to hear that Isaac was a musician, joking that he could come on tour with the band for the next two weeks as they could do with a better flautist. Some photos and an autograph ensued, and at that point I woke up, laughed at the dream and felt of course utterly relieved that I didn’t have cancer.

Wait.

It wasn’t a dream.

Which means that the cancer is still very much here.

On the plus side, it also means that we really did stay in the ‘Krug’ room once occupied by Pavarotti (it wasn’t on my bucket list to sit on the same loo as the late opera superstar but I quickly added it and crossed it off). And, believe it or not, we really did meet Rick Astley. I concealed the fact that I was as starstuck as Isaac- Rick was a big part of my teenage life, blu-tacked next to Wham! on my bedroom wall, and meeting him was definitely another thing to retrospectively pop on the imaginary bucket list.

We all had the best weekend- it was just the right thing after our difficult news last week: a complete change of scene and lots of wonderful things to enjoy. Isaac was rehearsing all day Saturday and Sunday which gave Steve and I some rare, precious time together. We lazed around the hotel on Saturday, walking in the grounds and a neighbouring country park, relaxing in the spa, just being. And on Sunday we sampled the delights of Birmingham, wandering round the shops and stopping for coffee and a very long lunch before going to watch Isaac’s concert. It was joyous and wonderful: over 100 enthusiastic and incredibly musical children giving their heart and soul to the music whether playing Elgar or The Pink Panther. And whatever happens, I can now say that I have heard Isaac play Principal Flute in a national orchestra, bursting with joy and pride every time we heard his silvery piccolo tones soaring above the sea of music. Watching him, I projected forwards 15 years and imagined him playing in the London Symphony Orchestra- or not: maybe he will be a scientist or engineer, it doesn’t matter, as long as he is happy.

When we accepted Isaac’s NCO place last October, I couldn’t imagine actually being able to go, but here I was in good outward health enjoying every moment. Thinking about that makes me realise how many wonderful things I have been able to experience thanks to the good that the chemo has done: if I hadn’t fought to have it, the story would have been very different. Yes, it didn’t do everything we were hoping, but it has given me so much: hugs and laughs with friends and family, seeing tiny Jasper learn to talk, witnessing Isaac transform from a shy little boy to a thoughtful and articulate pre-teen, watching our eldest three find their way in the world by establishing their own businesses, homes, futures. I am so grateful.

Another big week approaches; hopefully it will bring some positives but we need to be ready for anything. It is as if we are living in two parallel worlds- the normal life one and the cancer one. Whilst I have a telephone consultation with Doc Brains tomorrow and the big one with SuperProf in London on Thursday, it is also a big week for Isaac. Unbelievably he will be back in Birmingham tomorrow, this time for a choral competition with his school choir, plus he has his internal school music scholarship audition on Thursday: not a massive deal but he is performing big pieces on flute, piano and voice and will somehow need to get some practice in…

So back on the horse I get, back into battle… except I don’t like to think of cancer as a battle. It is never a fair one and how hard you fight isn’t a guarantee of outcome. And I am fighting hard. After a wonderful weekend off the diet, my system has informed me that actually it prefers the green stuff if I could kindly get back to eating that. So I shall. And hopefully the oxygen will start doing very good things: apparently 40 sessions are needed before full benefits kick in and I’m getting close to that. But most of all we need to try to let go of striving, worry and even sadness, and trust in God to carry us through.

‘If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.’ Psalm 139:9-10