19 NOVEMBER 2023

‘Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.’ Psalm 143:8-9

Under rock. Not coming out. No, not even an eyelid flicker: I’d like my eyes to stay shut, thank you. And definitely not an outstretched hand flopping in the direction of my water glass- really, you’re going to make me? You are, aren’t you?

Ok, I suppose the water feels a little bit good… but I’m going back now, back under my rock where I can rest in comatose slumber… What’s that? Ginger tea? Must I?

This was me yesterday; I guess it’s what they call the Chemo Crash (sounds like a bad disco move): when everything has passed through the system- including the steroids that give such a wonderful illusion of wellbeing- and you are left inhabiting a ravaged shell with rice-paper-thin walls. If I sound like I’m being over-dramatic, I’m not…

Hedgehog-like, my body spent the day curled in a ball surrounded by an array of sharp spines that anyone daring to approach me felt the sting of. Poor Steve…

The feeling of unreality was probably the most distressing – being vaguely aware of people and things around you but several steps removed, as if you are observing through a tunnel made of pink angora wool. (Don’t ask me how I know it was pink. Or angora, for that matter). Add to that the occasional but unfortunate necessity of rising from my stupor for toilet visits- the lowlight of my day for sure as every time I stood up I felt like I’d just completed five laps of Rita Queen of Speed, and staggering to the bathroom like a total zombie did nothing to ameliorate this…

That’s enough moaning, though. The positive is that I haven’t felt nauseous- a definite plus- and what’s more, my 90% dark chocolate still tastes as good as it looks (wish I could say the same for my Spirulina Algae cocktail, but ho hum…).

While I was busy focusing entirely on self-preservation, Steve had a different mission- to get all of my usual nutrition into me by hook or by crook and thus build me up. He definitely succeeded: mealtimes yesterday were about the only lucid moments I experienced, and I even had an appetite too, tucking heartily into my vegetable soup and curry.

So which foods do I miss? I hear you wonder. Ironically we used to have a pretty good diet: high protein, almost zero carbs in the week with a few treats at the weekend. Our children were always telling us to lighten up but we liked the general feeling of wellness that it brought. Ha!

However, it’s not the obvious things that I am craving: Salt and Pepper Chicken from the Ming Che, fresh fish and chips, juicy steak..no, instead, Marmite on toast is filling my dreams- Steve’s crusty homebaked bread, badly cut by me into a wedge and over-toasted slightly (I like the burnt bits), the melted butter blending with the Marmite in a graceful pas-de-deux.

This- Marmite on Toast- this shall be my goal, I’ve suddenly decided. Most people’s cancer goals would not be toast-based, but there are no rules here. At the minute I’m trying to bore my dodgy cells to death by feeding them only with miserable green stuffs, hoping that they are feeling an ever-increasing desperation for their favoured takeaway hit of glucose. But if things were to show any improvement, maybe- just maybe- a slice of Marmite on toast could be on the cards…

I’m still completely wiped today but there are hints of the gloom dissipating- I have smiled more than once, for example (this is a rather sensitive topic- Steve was hurt yesterday when I smiled at Isaac and not him…in my defence, I had one small smile available to me all day and that was definitely going to the 10 year-old…). The feeling of being trapped inside a VR video game is lessening slightly, and I’m not falling asleep at frequent, random intervals as if suddenly hypnotised.

Next week will be all about Recovery, Rebuilding, Rejuvenation and any other useful ‘Re’s that you can think of. Like Restoration. And Remedy. And the best one- Relax!

‘Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble. And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.’

Psalm 143:11-12