‘Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly…
But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand.’ Psalm 31: 9, 14-15
The labour for my first born, Michael, lasted under an hour. Yes, you read that correctly. Start to finish in less time than an episode of a Netflix series. One minute I was decorating the lounge and moving furniture around, the next I was having full-blown contractions. It was literal agony sitting in the car on the way to the hospital. ‘If this is the beginning of labour,’ I screamed in the few seconds between contractions, ‘then there’s no way I’m going to cope with the end!’. However, once I’d been scooped up after collapsing at the maternity unit entrance and deposited in the delivery room, the midwives discovered that only my tights were holding back the baby; once these were whipped off little Michael shot out like a cannon ball. It hadn’t been the beginning of labour after all, but the end.
And so it is, we found out today, with my illness.
It seems that my body is rather too good at ‘just getting on with it’, concealing any symptoms and pain until they have reached full term…
We didn’t have a video call with the oncologist as it turned out that he was at the Lister this afternoon and could pop upstairs to see me in my room. So far, so good. But there was little in the way of greeting; Count Onc pulled up a chair next to my bedside and declared immediately: ‘We have very limited options.’
Ah, nice of him to start with the positives. Not sure how he passed the ‘Bedside Manner’ module at medical school…
Onc went on to explain that with the way things are, chemotherapy is not a viable option. In my current state, I would apparently not tolerate it and it could even have detrimental effects. ‘I feel fine!’ I assured him. ‘It’s just my big tummy, nothing else!’. But he pointed out that Bertha has reduced my movements to that of a teenager in the school holidays- dragging myself out of bed just a few times a day for the loo or food. I would have to be up and about at least fifty percent of the time to be given chemotherapy.
Surgery, it seems, is also not something that can be considered: they believe that there is just too much going on in there and even if they could remove some or even all of it, the process would be dangerous and the recovery long, during which time nasties from the other areas under seige in my body would break out like St Trinians’ pupils wielding hockey sticks and have a riot in every unconquered area of me.
We were totally shocked and numb when Count Onc took his leave. We had been initially told by Mallard that they would ‘throw the book at me’ because at age 49 I was considered young… Now it seemed that I wouldn’t even get to see the book, let alone open any of its pages.
We were still sitting in a daze when another visitor appeared, a palliative nurse. She was instantly lovely, and ironically the most positive medical professional that we had met so far.
‘Well I have to say,’ she told me, ‘You look a lot better than most of the people I see’. I took that as a compliment (although a somewhat dubious one given the general nature of her clients…), conveying that the only immediate issue was the amount of pain I was in and how it was restricting my movement entirely.
The nurse said that there are some palliative drugs that I can try to see if they improve my symptoms enough to look at chemo (I think I heard Bertha laugh at the unlikeliness of this, but we will see). At this point we felt ready to ask what it would mean if I couldn’t have any treatment at all. The nurse looked at us and said: ‘Weeks to months.’
Weeks? Weeks?
‘You might have to tell me what to do with the Christmas Elf,’ Steve said to me gently later. There was no way I was inflicting that sodding Elf on anyone else…I was going to have to fight. As well as taking the drugs and doing what I can to get mobile again, we are also planning to seek a second opinion in London so we can know that every avenue was explored and accept whatever lies ahead with courage and grace.
But we are also going to live, and love. So much. And our faith will not be diminished, for it is not faith in ourselves but in the God of heaven and earth, who does all things perfectly and for good.
This quote, kindly shared by dear friend and sister in Christ Shelby Fortner, has been at the forefront of my mind recently:
If I had the power of God I would change everything. If I had the wisdom of God I would change nothing.’ Scott Richardson
And the verse below is more than comforting to us, for it confirms that the sorrows of the world are just brief, temporary troubles compared with the joy of eternity for those who believe and rest In Christ:
‘For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.’ 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
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Isaiah43:1-3 Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour:
Oh Sam,
I am so sad to read this. I hardly know what to think or say. I am so pleased you have your faith, family and friends to support you. Sending you so much love and prayers. Xxx
Dear Sam, the news is so shocking and dreadful. My heart goes out to you and your family. You sound so strong, brave, determined and ready for the journey ahead whatever that maybe. I’m sure this is a sign of a wonderful life filled with love, joy and music. I’m so glad that your faith remains a great comfort. Keep fighting.
With all my love.
Suzy
I am still in a state of utter shock and immense sadness. I am thankful for all that we have shared together over the wonderful years. My beloved wife we will make the best of the time we have left on this earth together and know that we shall stand together in eternity praising our saviour.
Job 19:25-26 KJV
For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: [26] And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:
Love you forever. Xxx
My darling husband, if anyone could experience for 5 minutes how wonderful it is being married to you, they would be very lucky. 30 years was not enough, but 100 years would also not have been enough. Love cannot die. In the blink of an eye we will be together in eternity, happy forever xxxxx
Sending you ALL so much love and keeping you ALL in my thoughts.
I remember you telling us about Michael’s birth nearly 28 years ago.
I’ll never forget the 6 of us – bewildered new mothers meeting for the first time with our baby boys (there was a 7th mother and baby, a little girl, but she never came back week 2!).
Stay strong Sam as long as you can.
💜💜💜💜💜
Xxxxx
“For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”
1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 We are just passengers on this earth… I love you, always.
You are in our thoughts and prayers at this most difficult time. May our Lord sustain and strengthen you and your family. Your witness is an encouragement. The scriptures that are being shared are a reminder of the Lord’s wisdom and goodness in all things for His children. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”
“For we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.”
Romans 8:28-29
Stephen, I have watched you grow up from near and far since you were 2 years old. Sam I have watched you come into the Jellett family since before you were married. You were the last couple my dad had the privilege of marrying and that was such a beautiful hot sunny day close to the sea. I have watched your family grow and now Rick, Rebecca and I have so many memories of you and your family when we worshipped together and you introducing Rebecca to her love of music. Though we now live on different continents I thank our Lord Jesus Christ our Saviour for allowing our paths to cross, not only over the many years , but especially in eternity singing and praising and thanking Him that in His mercy He called us to be one of His brethren.
Sam, Stephen and the whole of your families are in our prayers at this extremely difficult time. We love you all
Oh Sam, I’m so saddened by this news. Ian and I send all our love and prayers to you and the family.
Dear Sam
We have never met. I am Steve’s colleague Suku. My wife Sunita and I are praying for you and your family every day to give all of you strength during this difficult time. God bless your whole family.